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Thursday, April 17, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 37.0° F  A Few Clouds
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MR. RIGHT

O come, all ye faithful
What's an evangelical Christian's sex life like?

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We enjoyed your column on sex manuals, and we were wondering whether you know anything about sex manuals for Christians, especially evangelical Christians. Do such manuals even exist? And what, pray tell, are these people allowed to do? Anything fun? Please let us know ASAP.

Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve: What's the big hurry? You thinking about converting? Well, you'll be happy to know that, if you do, it could well improve your sex life. Christians ' even evangelical Christians ' take a lot of pride in their sex lives these days. And as you might expect, they're not above a little proselytizing. Gone are the days when a man and a woman would 'come together' solely for the purpose of propagating the species, the man as sober as a preacher, the woman as stiff as a board. Now they're more likely to liven things up with a sex toy or three, some good ol' dirty talk and heaping helpings of oral/anal penetration. And I know this because I've pored over Christian sex manuals ' excuse me, Christian marriage manuals ' looking for signs of the Apocalypse. Instead, all I found were sex tips and Bible quotes.

Oh, and some really lame illustrations ' cross-sections of the penis out of some old medical textbook and these weird drawings of a man and woman that looked like they were done by a blind person whose fingers had never done the walking, if you know what I mean. Apparently, authors are reluctant to entice readers, lest they forget to put the book down and reach for their spouses. And there's that whole thing about graven images. Otherwise, the sky, if not heaven itself, is the limit, as long as you're married. Bestiality and incest are out, of course. And despite a long, glorious tradition of evangelical ministers being caught in the act of what they'd prefer to think of as a laying on of hands, homosexuality is frowned upon, even sneered at. But dressing up like a woman so you and your wife can play 'Girls Gone Wild'?

Actually, I'm not sure about that one.

Keep in mind that evangelical Christianity is a big tent ' or, if you prefer, a house with many mansions. And the farther out you go along the right wing, the more bizarre things you may find. I did know someone once whose parents were what we used to call Holy Rollers. (He'd 'escaped.') And he pointed out that if you looked at the birthdays of their four sons, it appeared that they'd come together exactly four times, in intervals of exactly two years. But for many evangelical Christians today, sex is as much about recreation as procreation. It's supposed to be ' gulp ' fun. It's also a way of achieving psychological intimacy with one's spouse, an intimacy made all the more intimate because of God's blessing. He not only allows believers to have sex, he more or less commands it: Be fruitful and multiply.

A word about female pleasure, a.k.a. The Second Coming. Considering that evangelical Christians tend to believe that the man is the head of the family, it's surprising how much attention is given to pleasing the woman. Both parties are expected to achieve satisfaction, and although the woman is expected to help the man achieve his, likewise the man is expected to help the woman achieve hers. And there's a lot of advice given on how to do that. Some have even taken to citing scripture. Tim LaHaye, author of those scary Left Behind books, got his start co-authoring, with his wife Beverly, a series of marriage manuals, and in one of those manuals they interpret a verse out of the Song of Solomon ' 'Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.' ' as a description of how to stimulate the clitoris.

That's right, folks, they subscribe to a clitoral interpretation of the Bible.

Hallelujah!

If you thought speaking in tongues meant sucking face, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.

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