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Friday, April 18, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 30.0° F  Fog/Mist
The Paper

TELL ALL

Tell All: Hair in a can
My husband wants to spray his bald spot away


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Dear Tell All: A few days ago I noticed a can of something called Good Looking Hair in our medicine cabinet. I just assumed it was hairspray. But this morning I looked closer and realized that it's actually spray-on hair! I can't believe my husband bought this stuff. Why? I honestly don't mind his thinning hair and would rather see him go bald than use this. How do I let him know without hurting his feelings?

P. Blagojevich

Ms. Blagojevich: Can we all reflect for a moment on how ridiculous it is that we even have hair? Those of you who were lucky enough to read the chapter on evolution before it was ripped from your textbooks know that our ancestors were once completely covered in hair. After thousands of years of evolution, now all we have left is a tuft on top of our heads. What the hell?! Well, there's pubic hair too, which to me is proof that there is a God. It's too strategically placed to be a coincidence. There had to be a modest designer who created us, tilted his head back for one last look and thought, "Ooh, I better cover up that nasty bit there." And of course to save time, he used spray-on hair.

Think of how much time and energy we spend on our hair. We primp and preen for half the morning before we'll even go out in public. We spend hundreds of dollars on fancy haircuts, hair extensions, highlights and color. But apparently that isn't enough. Some guy figured out that if they could sell water in a bottle, he could sell hair in a can.

Spray-on hair is one of those inventions - like spray-on tans, spray-on cheese and spray-on condoms (Google it…they really exist!) - that make you question the idea of "progress." Luckily, several even less appetizing products never made it out of the lab, like spray-on fat, spray-on Spam and spray-on Rush Limbaugh. (The Rush Limbaugh was actually a volatile mixture of spray-on fat and spray-on Spam. But his thick head kept clogging the nozzle.)

Graffiti artists are thrilled that spray-on hair has finally been perfected, because what has eluded taggers for so long is finally within reach: the Holy Grail of painting...the Velvet Elvis.

Now to be fair, there is a legitimate need for products that thicken and add volume to hair. Many of the people who buy them have temporary hair loss due to illness or surgery, but it doesn't sound like your husband is one of them.

You need to reassure him that you love him just the way he is. Remind him that every man loses his hair eventually and that there's dignity in growing old naturally. It may also help to tell him how sexy bowling balls can be.

Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI, 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com.

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