This Christmas you're probably wondering what to buy those important people in your life that you know far better than I do and I've come to give you some advice on what to buy them.
Yeah, that's right, there's only one gift appropriate for everyone from nephews to grandmothers, one gift that's sure to cause them to curse your name, break their television and perhaps come after you with a dangerous weapon. That gift is "Dark Souls". You can purchase it for PS3, Xbox360 or PC, though I recommend that if you value their sanity you avoid the PC version due to the insane difficulty and awkward PC controls.
Now, I know that some of you are resistant and have a myriad of irrelevant excuses for why "Dark Souls" might be an inappropriate gift for your grandmother, in particular. "She doesn't even have a console, much less play video games" you might complain. Well, you just wind up that ole heifer leg of yours and kick her right in her crusty old cunt and tell her to get an Xbox360 ASAP if she wants to play some "Dark Souls". It isn't your fault if she's living in the dark ages.
"But why 'Dark Souls', pj? Why not GTA V?" Well, that's an interesting question, as clearly the nation seems more interested in gratuitous violence against innocent citizens, prostitution, narcotics and 17" low profile tires, but you can play GTA V all day and never run into Smough and Ornstein!
Just look at those bitches! You're telling me that you aren't eager to give them the what-for? And if Smough and Ornstein aren't enough, perhaps you might like to tangle with Artorius?
The point is, whether your gift recipient is 7 or 97, you can't possibly give them a gift more irritatingly difficult than a copy of "Dark Souls". And frankly, your teenage nephew is no more likely to finish this beast of a game than your parapalegic uncle.
And that's what makes "Dark Souls" the perfect gift. It does not discriminate. There is no easy mode. You fight, you die. A lot. It doesn't apologize or congratulate you. And if you manage to beat it, you wake up right where you started, at the beginning of the game. Because hell is repetition.