Yes, I applied.
But certainly not to replace Mr. Right.
I'm much more a Dr. Obvious
Or Professor Spacegod
I wouldn't have handed out trite Hallmark card cliched pap colloquialisms like miracle ash from Sai Baba's sleeves.
No, I would have opened up weekly cans of chewy tough love.
I wouldn't so much offer opinions as give orders
And I have so much more to offer with dispensation of advice than the average candidate.
Some solutions may be mundane and simple such as, in the case of the juvenile thief, suggesting a larger allowance
, or pre-habilitation
(preventative pre- to post-natal incarceration until age 12.)
Others may require a more powerful arsenal, the application of the exclusive arrows within my custom quiver of advice
Thermal cameras, pheromone bait chips, DNA traps, vaticination (omen-reading), samyma (a frozen snapshot awareness of everything in one’s immediate environment) and watching Ancient Wisdom
on the History Channel
I can dislocate my entire body and squirt through a keyhole, provided the keyhole is large enough to accommodate my squirting body and I can tell poisoned water by how my reflection looks.
I also have proprietary personal contacts with space beings
(never abducted but probe curious…)
All this and more is strung across the branches of my psyche like Christmas lights, glowing with unified theoretical insight.
The only thing other advice columnists have got are opinions.