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Thursday, April 24, 2014 |  Madison, WI: 56.0° F  Light Rain
The Daily

CITIZEN DAVE

Citizen Dave: Take my lawnmower, please


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The Eton Ridge Lawnmower Cooperative needed to make a new capital investment. After about ten years, our reliable Black & Decker electric mower needed to be replaced. So, the cooperative (two families on Eton Ridge) bought a new model and kicked the old one, literally, to the curb.

I was charged with writing the pithy sign to be placed on the old mower so that it could find a suitable new home. My work is below. The mower was gone within an hour. For a small fee I can move your useless items too! Don't leave this kind of thing to chance. Hire a professional blogger today!

What am I?

I am FREE!

Why am I free?

Because the fascist Walkerite who owns me says that I'm not keeping my charge the way I used to. (Hey, who among us can say that we keep our charge the way we used to, huh?)

Why would you want me?

Because despite my somewhat weakened battery I can still cut a small yard perfectly well, there's no cord to mess with, and I'm 100% emissions-free in the neighborhood. (Yeah, yeah, coal fired power plants not withstanding; if you're the kind of person who would point that out, please move along.)

How can you get me?

Just take me home, no questions asked. You can try me out by inserting the orange key that is hanging above me in the tree to keep curious kids away from my powerful grass-cutting blades (fueled by my poor, weak battery). If you decide you don't want me (and let's be honest with one another, what are the chances of that?) please remember to replace the key in the tree.

And to my former owner: So long, sucka! See ya around the 'hood.

Have a good weekend.

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